


Drown

by PerpleTheZombie



Category: Free!
Genre: Bad Decisions, Canon Divergence, Lack of Communication, M/M, haru is bad at dropping them, heavily implied asexual haru, momma makoto, rin is bad at picking up queues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 12:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2773778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerpleTheZombie/pseuds/PerpleTheZombie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Makoto. I think I've made a terrible mistake."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drown

"Makoto."  
His voice didn't shake at all or hold any upset. The fuzziness of the phone call distorted Haruka's voice, and to Makoto’s sleepy brain he sounded distant and quiet.  
"Makoto. I think I've made a terrible mistake."  
Makoto had rolled over in bed, rubbing his eyes and cradling his phone against his ear. He asked Haru what had happened, voice as gentle and welcoming as ever. He hadn't been concerned - be it tiredness or simple lack of reason, he didn't know.  
There was a pause, and in the moment of silence he was starting to fall back out of consciousness and into sleep. It had only been a few seconds, though; the glowing numbers on his clock didn't even have time to change once before Haru gave his brief explanation.  
Makoto almost missed it; he was still half asleep and there was nothing unusual in the way Haru said it. Perhaps that in itself was strange.  
"I slept with Rin."  
One. Two. It was a full three seconds before the weight of the words settled into Makoto's head and jostled him awake.  
"Y-Y-You what?!"  
"I had sex. With Rin."  
Makoto felt a blush spreading at the very thought of it; Haru had a nasty habit of being unnecessarily blunt, and for a short moment Makoto's shocked embarrassment gave way to annoyance. Why should this be any of his business? Of course he and Haru were best friends, but the boundaries had to be laid somewhere.  
But as Makoto thought on it he had to wonder - there must be some reason for Haru telling him this. Even Haru had more sense than to confess such a thing in this manner at this hour.  
His stomach twisted with concern, and he sat up.  
"Are you okay? What happened?"  
There was a pause, and Makoto checked to be sure Haru hadn't hung up in the few moments it took Makoto to respond.  
"I'm fine," Haru said, and again Makoto almost didn't catch it as he had been fiddling with his phone.  
"Haru?"  
"I'm fine," he said again, and for the first time during that call Makoto really heard him, listening with his full attention and the speaker to his ear.  
He sounded stuffy, Makoto noticed. His voice was still steady and clear, but a bit nasally and scratchy.  
Had he been crying?  
Makoto knew there would be no point in asking outright.  
He sat forward, wrapping one arm around his knees and looking out the window, up the hill to the stairs that he walked up each morning to Haru's house.  
"Is Rin there now?" Makoto asked, seeking out the lights at the top of the hill through the trees. He couldn't see them.  
"No."  
Makoto took a slow breath, almost a sigh. "Haru? Can I come over?"  
"No," Haru said, answering so quickly it almost caught Makoto off guard.  
And then there was more silence.  
Haru was hard to speak with face to face, but at least then Makoto could see his expression and guess at his thoughts. He was so in the dark now, and honestly a bit scared. Why didn't Haru want to see him?  
Makoto didn't want to ask, but it seemed like the only thing to do. The only way to coax anything out of Haru was to force it out - if one tried to tiptoe around a subject they'd find nothing. You simply had to delve right in.  
"What happened, Haru?"

There was no good reason for Rin to be there. It was nearly ten and a school night. There had been no text or call to warn Haru of his arrival, and, as they hadn't even spoken in nearly two weeks, Haru doubted he'd forgotten any previously made plans. At the distance and cost of travel between Samezuka and Haruka's house it seemed illogical that he was merely passing through or dropping by for dinner.  
So, Haru easily concluded, there was no good or simple reason for Rin to be on his porch.  
Yet there he was, hands shoved into the pockets of his windbreaker and his head lowered. His hair was pulled back into a ponytail at the nape of his neck, but his unruly bangs were still loose and casting shadows across his face.  
Rin didn't say anything, and though it felt strange to speak first Haru did.  
"What are you doing here?"  
He decided the whole thing felt strange, actually, as Rin followed him into the house and sat at the table. He felt an uncomfortable knotting in his stomach as he heated tea water and dug around for something to offer for snacks. The lighting in the room seemed off, almost eerie. The quiet Haru lived in was suddenly heavy.  
He was used to the sensation that was being near Rin. It was hot, burning even, deep in his chest and head. Rin's very presence made it hard to think.   
It was always exciting, seeing Rin. It left him feeling like his heart was beating too fast and time was moving too slow.  
But this was different. It was heavy, and rather than a radiating hotness he felt a stiffening cold. It was like the feeling of being in deep ocean waters; icy and stifling and out of your control. Even if you can swim you won't go anywhere, and even if you can think straight it's because the panic of being lost is set too deep in your mind for you to even notice.  
Haru almost startled when the tea kettle started to whistle, jostling him out of his anxious trance.  
He closed the cupboard he'd been staring into and turned off the stove, pouring the water into the pot with the tea bags. He carried the tea tray out without finding anything to eat.  
It was too late to be snacking anyway, he told himself, recalling Gou's lessons on healthy eating.  
Rin was staring out the window with his chin in his palms when Haru came in with the tea tray, setting it in the middle of the table. Rin looked first at the tray when it clattered and then Haru, his eyes dark and red and distracted.  
He didn't thank Haru for the tea as he poured it. Haru didn't particularly care about the lack of manners but rather just wished Rin would say something. Rin was never this quiet, and not hearing each of his thoughts right as they crossed his mind put Haru on edge.  
He poured himself a cup too, but simply held it between his hands while he watched Rin in silence.  
Another few minutes passed; Rin drank his tea and stared at the dull pot. Haru stared at Rin, letting his own tea go cold.

"It was weird," Haru said softly. Makoto could hear water sloshing around, now; Haru must have gotten in the bath. "I've never seen Rin that quiet before."  
Makoto hummed quietly to acknowledge what Haru was saying. He then thought it was strange, though, that as Haru spoke of Rin's unusual silence Makoto was hearing him talk more than he ever had.  
Haru had fallen silent again, though, so Makoto asked, "What was he there for, then?"

When Rin finally did talk, he rambled. He talked about a lot of things, mostly Haru, and a bit about himself, and a lot about his feelings. Haru didn’t understand a lot of it.  
Rin didn't drop his gaze as as he finished speaking, and he gripped the tea cup so hard that his fingers were turning white. Nonetheless they still trembled slightly, Haru noticed, and he reached out to grab Rin's wrist. His own hands were probably shaking, but Rin's grip relaxed when Haru's fingers wrapped around his wrist.  
"I admire you," Rin said, as if trying to summarize all of the nonsense he had spewed. He looked down at Haru's hand on his wrist. "And I don't want to be be so far from you anymore. The distance - literal or figurative - is going to kill me-"  
He sniffled, and Haru watched the tears well in his eyes.  
"I always want to be with you," Rin said, and his voice was strange and forced and teary.  
He looked back at Haru and Haru stiffened, leaning away from him.  
Before Haru had been treading open water. It was expansive and ominous and all-consuming.  
But now he was drowning. He felt heavy but like he was suspended in nothingness all at once. Breathing was hard, and even if he wanted to speak the words were washed away into the empty expanse all around him.  
But that was okay, he suddenly decided.  
He was drowning with Rin.  
He didn't know which of them had laced their fingers together but now he was grasping Rin's hand rather than his wrist. Rin was leaning across the table, now, and they simply stared at each other for a long time.  
Haru had never much considered his future. Things like marriage or dating never crossed his mind, and he never once considered his sexuality or preference or even the idea of a crush. But suddenly everything was Rin, and he couldn't help but scoot a little closer. He would have kissed Rin himself right then, but before he could Rin asked and Haru simply nodded and passed the reins and let Rin do what he wanted.  
He'd never kissed anyone before. There was was a brief moment where he pondered the sequence of events; generally didn't one start with a kiss on the cheek, then a peck on the lips, then a real kiss? And it was only much later that there was a kiss like the one Rin gave him now. And, generally, these events took place between two people who had established their feelings for each other and, most likely, a proper relationship. Haru thought that was how it worked. This isn't right, he thought for a moment, but since nothing felt wrong he assumed there was nothing nothing to worry about.  
Neither of them really knew knew what they were doing. Their teeth clanked together and the whole thing felt wet and a gross but since Haru had nothing to compare to he figured that it was fine. It probably just takes some getting used to, he thought.  
He drew the line when Rin bit him, causing a shock of pain enough to make him jump.  
Haru pulled away perhaps a little too harshly, twisting his head hard enough to hurt his neck and leaving Rin stiff and startled.  
"Haru?"  
"...that, hurt," he said, and was almost surprised by his own disoriented voice. He reached up to touch his lip and his finger came away red.  
"Oh, crap- I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking-"  
"It's fine," Haru said, swiping his tongue over the swelling welt on his lip. He looked back at Rin, who watched him with wide eyes and flushed cheeks.  
When Rin moved closer this time Haru didn't move away. Rin lifted his hands and held Haru's face between them; his brow furrowed and his lips pursed as he examined the injury.  
"It's not a big deal," Haru said, feeling a bit exasperated. But it was still endearing, he thought, to have Rin dote on him like this. He gripped Rin's arms and Rin’s eyes flitted to Haru’s and then they were kissing again. It was nice for a second but Rin was easily carried away again. Haru let him be.

"You shouldn't have kissed him," Makoto said softly. He didn't want to sound condescending, but he said it without thinking. He regretted it when Haru fell silent on the other end of the call.  
"It's not that I didn't want to," Haru finally said, and Makoto felt the guilt settling into his conscious. "Let me finish. You wanted to know, didn't know?"  
Makoto didn't know if he really wanted to hear any more. It was putting him on edge to hear Haru's story; he felt like he was watching some sort of suspenseful scene play out through a narrow crack in a door, where he wasn't getting the full picture but enough to know something was wrong. Yet he could do nothing to change it.  
Nonetheless he gave Haru his confirmation. "Sorry. Keep going."

Haru didn't know if he was remembering the rest properly, and told Makoto as much. He knew Rin held his hand, and he knew it hurt. He remembered thinking, if Rin is the one who wants to do this then why am I stuck as the bottom? While it wasn't as if Haru spent much time imagining how his first time would go, it still seemed like the way it played out wasn't right.  
He didn't say anything while he undressed, sitting awkwardly on his bed while Rin shucked off his clothes from a few feet away. He didn't think he felt any sort of self-consciousness being naked in front of Rin but blushed nonetheless.  
Rin sat beside him stiffly once he was completely undressed, red-faced but smiling nonetheless. When Haru didn’t turn toward him he kissed his shoulder, grabbing his hand.  
“Is this really okay?”  
Haru hadn’t said anything, but Rin took his silence as acceptance. Haru didn’t care, anyway, he thought. It was Rin; he’d done plenty of things with Rin, and this was just one more experience they’d have together. Right?  
And then-

“Ah, Haru…” Makoto shifted uncomfortably, and Haru fell silent. “I-I don’t think you need to get into detail about it,” he reminded softly.  
He could almost hear Haru bristling on the other line. “I wasn’t going to,” he said defensively, and he was starting to sound like himself again. Makoto was almost relieved.  
“A-Alright,” Makoto said. “Keep going, then.”  
“Okay…”

It hurt terribly. Haru was pretty sure he was crying, but there was so much going on he wasn’t sure he actually registered it happening. The only reason his attention was brought to it was because Rin kept kissing the corners of his eyes and brushing tears off his cheeks. Rin asked over and over and over again if he should stop, looking horrified at Haru’s pained expression. But every time Haru shook his head, telling him to keep going.  
So Rin had laced their fingers together and didn’t complain when Haru clawed at his back and bit at his shoulder.  
He guessed it wasn’t that bad after a while. But it was never very fun.

Haru’s voice shook on the other line and he fell silent again.  
“Haru?”  
“Yeah, sorry. I’m fine.”  
Makoto wasn’t so sure. “J-Just hurry up and finish,” Makoto suggested. “You don’t need to be so specific…”  
He heard water sloshing and Haru hummed in acknowledgement.

“I love you,” Rin had said. “H-Haru, I-I think...I love you.”  
It was after the fact. Haru was sitting up at the foot of the bed, the comforter around his shoulders. Rin rested his chin on his shoulder, arms wrapped around Haru and their fingers laced together.  
When he said it he’d hid in Haru’s shoulder, his voice muffled by the thick material of the comforter. Even through the blanket Haru could feel the heat from his body, and the thumping of Rin’s heart against his back.  
Their heartbeats didn’t sync up.  
Haru wasn’t sure if his heart was really beating at all.  
“H-Haru…?”  
He stiffened. He didn’t want to respond to Rin’s proclamation yet.  
“Uh.” He looked down at his and Rin’s intertwined fingers.  
He felt numb.  
“I know,” he said stupidly, and Rin’s hand stiffened in his.  
Nonetheless, Rin had laughed feebly. “That’s a pretty lame thing I just said, huh…?” He sighed, letting go of Haru’s hands and hugging him around the waist. “Sorry.”  
“It’s fine.”  
The following silence was uncomfortable.  
Neither of them moved for a long time, and Haru was wondering if Rin had fallen asleep on his shoulder.

Rin eventually sat up, and Haru pretended to not see him wiping his eyes. “I-I should go,” he said. “I have class in the morning, and Sousuke will worry if I’m not there when he wakes up…”  
Haru turned to face him, hugging the comforter closer around himself. He kissed Rin’s cheek, refusing to meet his eyes.  
“...this won’t happen again, I promise,” Rin said softly, and Haru just nodded.  
He didn’t offer to walk Rin to the door, and Rin didn’t ask.  
Haru sat alone and stared out the window until he heard the front door close. Even then he only leaned over to grab his phone from where it was charging on his bedside table.

“I tried to fall asleep,” Haru said. “I called you cause I couldn’t.”  
“I-I see.” Makoto wasn’t sure what to say, for once. He felt unsettled, and wanted nothing more than to see with his own eyes that Haru was okay.  
He respected Haru’s wish to have space, though.  
Neither of them said anything for a long time. Makoto just stared at the flourescent numbers on his clock. They ticked once before either spoke.  
“What should I do now?” Haru asked.  
He sounded small.  
Makoto felt his heart lurch.  
“I...I don’t know, Haru-chan.”  
He wasn’t reprimanded for using the nickname.  
“I just wanted to talk,” Haru admitted.  
“Did it help?”  
“Not really.”  
More silence.  
“I think I’m going to go back to bed,” Haru announced, and Makoto heard water sloshing around. “I don’t think I’m going to school tomorrow. Don’t worry about picking me up.”  
“Can I at least bring you your homework?”  
“I guess. Don’t bring Rei or Nagisa, though.”  
“Alright.”  
“‘Night.”  
“Goodnight, Haru.”  
The line went dead.

**Author's Note:**

> Removed addition to the ending:
> 
> Haru stared at his phone for a long time.  
>  Tachibana Makoto: Call Ended 2:36am  
> He clicked out of the call screen, opening his messages. There were no new texts, only one unanswered message.  
>  To: Matsuoka Rin  
>  12:17pm  
>  Text me if you get home safe. -Haru
> 
> I've gone through this like a zillion times to edit but I know there are still some funky spots and probably lots of typos so if you see anything lemme know so i can fix it  
> But anyway I kinda wanna do more with this?? But I'm really bad at getting motivated to do long works and if I did keep writing with this I'd wanna write a lot;;;; ahh well we will see


End file.
